Let’s talk about the ‘Stay-at-Home Girlfriend’ trend from someone who comes from Asia
We call it a duty.
In November of 2022, a new Tiktok trend emerged- the ‘stay-at-home girlfriend’ where the girlfriend shares her daily routine that includes cleaning the house, making smoothies/coffees/matcha latte, journaling, working out, cooking for the boyfriend and reading. Innocent at first, this trend shook the internet when several people- women mostly, called it anti-feminist. Now the real question is- what is the beef about?
A lot of women came ahead and bashed the ones criticising this trend because, at the end of the day, it’s their choice; and doesn’t it make us bad feminists if we criticise someone who doesn’t wishes to work? Well, I beg to differ.
A lot of times individuals from urban sectors, metropolitans and developed countries fail to understand that something as menial as a ‘stay-at-home girlfriend’ trend can bring up years of suppression for some communities.
It is extremely crucial to realise that women that are a part of this ‘stay-at-home girlfriend’ fad, have the resources and privilege to work. However, women in several communities- let’s talk Asian- don’t have the privilege to work and earn for themselves.
To make this concept more understandable, let me paint a picture for you. Imagine you adhere to the stay-at-home girlfriend trend and your boyfriend provides for you for over four years. However, things don’t work out and the both of you decide to end things- how are you going to financially support yourself with a visible career gap without any valid reason?
When I read about this trend, it immediately reminded me of one of my favourite books- Please Look After Mom by Shin Kyung Sook. Two quotes from this book have stuck with me. They are:
“Mom’s eyes held yours for a moment. ‘I don’t like or dislike the kitchen. I cooked because I had to. I had to stay in the kitchen so you could all eat and go to school. How could you only do what you like? There are things you have to do whether you like it or not.’ Mom’s expression asked, What kind of question is that? And then she murmured, ‘If you only do what you like, who’s going to do what you don’t like?”
…and
“You never wondered, Did Mom like being in the kitchen?”
The aforementioned quote was in a Korean book. However, it’s the same across most Asian countries. Women are not given independence- let alone permission to work.
In fact, for the longest time, my mother was a homemaker- the only difference was that she chose to be one. However, after a point, when I and my sibling grew up, she started working and now is financially independent. But, that’s not the case for all women. Not every woman is allowed to work. Most women grow up with the idea that they need to marry well, cook delicious food and birth kids. Women are asked to learn to cook because it’s a duty they need to fulfil for their husbands- let me emphasise: A DUTY.
Anyway, while I understand that a stay-at-home wife and a stay-at-home girlfriend are two different terms- it’s important to recognize that a stay-at-home wife or a homemaker is more likely to be supported by law if things were to end between the couple. However, if a stay-at-home girlfriend’s relationship ends, they won’t be left with any financial dependency they surely loved.
I know, I know it’s harsh- and that people deserve to live their lives, but in this time and age when everything is uncertain, it is extremely pivotal for women (nay, everyone) to have financial independence.
I have heard so many stories of women- homemakers- who aren’t allowed to buy anything because they’d be wasting their husband’s hard-earned money.
One of the main things that irked me was how these videos promote financial dependence and the heterosexual stereotype that the man needs to provide for the woman. It’s 2023 and we are still under the patriarchal facade that a man has to provide for a woman. I just believe that all genders need to be financially independent.
Lastly, let’s talk about privilege: these stay-at-home girlfriends live an expensive- if not a luxurious lifestyle. It’s natural that these women hail from families that never had monetary issues (which explains the need to not work), so don’t you think they are not good role models?
To conclude, somehow it feels that the world is regressing- and the idea isn’t to bash women who don’t want to work, it’s to get rid of this patriarchal narrative that promotes women as living off their partners’ money and men only existing to work to afford their partners luxury. Finally, it’s cardinal to understand that your luxury might just be someone else’s nightmare.
